Saturday, November 22, 2008

what is going on


I am a self diagnosed Manic Depressive, I have not actually been diagnosed by a physician or therapist, but I do go through moments where I am extremely happy to points where I wonder why I go on. I don't self medicate, I do not use drugs or drink excessively, nor do I abuse my wife or children. but I do self loath to the point of general hatred, not that I would ever hurt myself, nor have I ever thought of anything nasty, but I wonder why people would ever want to know me.

When I am very happy I feel I could move mountains and make time flow for me, a megalomaniac would be a novice compared to me, I feel that my wishes come true and that I have the power to control the cosmos.

when I am depressed, I feel the world as a whole has abandoned me, I go through the feelings I felt when my father died on Christmas Eve some 24 years ago, or when my mother passed only 12 years ago, and my world collapses, this feeling I have more often than I would like.

I paint to show my emotions in a way that I can share without words, I write to share thoughts that I cannot express physically, I speak when I want to make things worse.

I used to be an intelligent person, now I am not so sure.

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