Sunday, November 30, 2008

From out of the Darkness

I look out

Peering to the daylight

From within my own cave

A modern day cave dweller

I stomp my feet, pound my fists


Not a sound

Not even

An echo

So hungry

But if I go out

Out of my cave

My safe place

Will the light

Burn me

I have been burned


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I Wonder

I wonder why

Wonder of all

Wonder when

Wonder how

Wonder of all things

Wonder now

Wonder of woman

Not a wonder man

Wonder of god

Wonder of sorrow

No wonder


Wonder less

I wonder away


No wonder in my life

Wonder if I am missed

Wonder if I’ll be missed

Wonder if

I wonder


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Oh Joy

In all ways uncommon to my life

I try to find you, but you are absent in the wake of my days

Simple, is my mind

I think of you often, in those hours of the sleepless nights

I must so often endure in a cold bed

I seek warmth in you

You that is not present to me in my time of need

Dark and cloudy horizons loom

Drifting clouds of doubt and frustration linger

When the rain comes I am to melt in sadness and fear

Beneath a sun that is black in spirit

Oh my life

Why have you forsaken me to this, a non person?

A shell

Empty and void


Oh joy

When will you come to me?

I want to sing with you

To shout from the mountain and proclaim my happiness in knowing you

But my voice is shallow and muted

The lyrics of you elude me

Pestilence would be something to see

Deep within


Oh joy

Come to me

Bring me the peace of ages

Bring me my quiet slumber

Nay, not death I speak of

But the gentle sleep of angelic dreaming

The time when I can be happy

And in delight of my days

I cry sometimes

Sometimes I cry out

Time flies... too fast

I am so slow

Weighted down and burdened

By my own self loathing

Pity me, myself and I

The 3 of us are undone

By our own



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Friday, November 28, 2008

Footprints in the Mud


Walking, walking and walking

Wet and sticky

The earth beneath my feet giving way

My life, drags behind me

Like a homeless persons shopping cart

Head down, not to view

The eyes that are watching me

Waiting to see me fall

Uneven and uneasy

Unsure, the earth beneath my feet

Sliding with every step

Backward, like a dancer stepping out of time

Dancing........into Oblivion

Getting dark outside, cold and wetter

The rain coming down, washes away my memory

I fade from view, soon to be forgotten

Wasted years, trying to find hope

I bend down, running my hands through the muck

Hoping to gleam some chance of redemption

Some chance at a life on fertile soil

To watch my dreams grow strong

And not to wilt away

I trudge on, with pain in tow

Supported only by to love of mine

I hope not to fail them

Or myself, while going towards the river banks

The river banks of torment

Which summon me on?

I find a place that's dry, if only for a while

Until the tide comes in

I look upon my feet, tired and swollen

To wipe the mud form my shoes

Mud of sorrow

That rolls back upon itself in my wake

I look at the distance of where I have been

I see no trace; the mud has resettled and covered my steps

No history of me, no signs that I have been

I look forward to where I must go, with hope glazing my vision

Looking for patches of sanity in which to rest my bones

What will become of me now?

Back into the mud I must go


The next moment of peace

The next moment of delight

Wanting the Mud of my life to dry

And praying the is no quicksand



Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Artist: Karl Briullov - Wikipedia

brullov_pompeii My wife Katya had replied to one of my earlier questions of the week in regards to "who inspired you", however the post did not seem to go through, but I feel that this artist's work should be examined.


I particularly enjoyed looking at the realism of the work, the colors just jumped off the screen and it was very strong in its dimension and how you could see that the artist desired to show the subject in it's truest form. I am going to post this entry to my other 2 blogs on art as to the fact that this artist is one to investigate further.

The above picture is

The Last Day of Pompeii, 1830-33
Oil on Canvas, 456.5 x 651 cm
The State Russian Museum

St. Petersburg, Russia

You can view more of his works at



Karl Briullov - Self-Portrait, 1848
Oil on Canvas, 64.1 x 54 cm
The State Tretyakov Gallery

Moscow, Russia







Source: Karl Briullov - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

CCVA Network One: My You Tube Internet Entertainment Channel for the Cultural Arts


CCVALOGO_1 I am presently working on and updating my YouTube Channel, I am going to be producing some Videos and Spoken word Image Plays to emphasis my writings and Artwork, as well as my interests. I would like your input on this and let me know what you may wish to see as content. My goal is to actually set up an Internet Video source for content that is of a cultural nature, which could be used as content for other sites, this could lead to increasing public awareness about Art and the nature of cultural expressionism.

YouTube - CCVisualArt's Channel

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Exposed Self


Rita 1 Today while searching the Internet to find new ways to add stress and grief to my life, I was thinking about my daughter Rita. yesterday I promised to take her bike riding today, and of course it rained all day, I was held up at my daily self imposed chores while she is at the sitter's and I know she is staring out the window, cursing the fates that brought the rain. children have a habit of feeling rejected by anything if they don't get their way. I looked through my computer looking at some of my work and I was looking for a specific piece that I wrote some time ago, I prepped it for some plans I had when I came across a poetry web site that was accepting submissions. I thought again of my darling child, who is standing at the left and thought "would she want me to send this poem or one of my more recent works that was far better as it came naturally to me without needing "Preparation"-". So I followed my heart, and If it gets published I will owe all my joy to my little angry Princess.

I submitted some of my work to Poetry Magazine / The Poetry Foundation ( and I am in hopes that they will accept and publish it. I have written and submitted works before, some accepted and some horribly dismissed. I have often wondered why put myself through the agony or crafting my words to paper and then shipping it off like a child to a far away school, hoping that it would be accepted and allow to flourish.

I feel that writers often prepare themselves for rejection, trying to tell themselves that it's just one publisher's opinion or one person out of the many who could possibly appreciate the work. I have in the passed submitted work and then forced myself to forget about it, but in the back of my mind hoping that I get an acceptance letter, only to get a "Dear Sir".... sort of like a "Dear John", or in my case "Dear Joe". I find it interesting that a grown man such as myself, who loves the pen and what it can do, often fears it as well.

I hope that..............( I say "I Hope" a bit too much) - quick re-phrase- I believe that my work should do well, and if not this time with this publication, then another may find it appealing, nothing ventured - nothing gained.I believe in my work, I feel that it has merit and would be appreciated, so I will believe in it until I don't anymore, and then I find the faith to believe in some of my other wonderfully endearing qualities. ( Shameless, Self-Indulgent Plug)


In case you are curious, I submitted "Evermore" the love poem I wrote about and dedicated to my wife Yekaterina.


On to my next act of senseless rambling....

Facebook | Damon Castillo Band#/pages/Damon-Castillo-Band/6886083829?ref=s


Just a Note: I met Damon when I first moved to California, he has a fresh approach to music and he has a very natural talent for jazz and soulful undertones in all of his compositions, I suggest you take some time to review his work and Music.

Facebook | Damon Castillo Band#/pages/Damon-Castillo-Band/6886083829?ref=s

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Monday, November 24, 2008


The work to connect all of my Web Sites, Blogs, Galleries and the like is underway, I will soon infest the Internet like a giant parasitical intellectual virus, causing all of you to fall into the abyss of intelligent pursuits..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..

And now for some Tea...


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Sunday, November 23, 2008

Blogging: A medium for expression or a medium for therapy?

mind_395_111 I have been working on my blog, this blog, for several days, and in this time I have taken liberty to divulge to you thoughts that I have had regarding love and personal expression, as well as key you, the reader, into what I feel is important. I have been looking at my writing, as well as the writing of others and I have come up with some new thoughts regarding the art of the blog.

As a writer, I take time to note my thoughts on many subjects, mostly it is poetic or short stories, but writers use the written word to permanently imprint their views and opinions on the world, in books their words are held and then shared with those who seek out their opinion or "wisdom", but on the Internet, a medium that can stream information into the homes of millions all at once, the writer becomes a voice of thought that can impact many lives at once, as well as educate or infuriate. the writer can become more than just a person who writes, but almost an archetype of lost voices of all those he connects with and comes into contact with.

I would also state that now, with this medium, anyone can be a writer, to write and be published, to be used as a opinion or to be the subject of research, to be thought of as an expert or quoted, what does this do to the medium? I feel that this gives rise to the ability of any and all persons to be heard, and whether it is just a person sharing an aspect of their life, or a professor annotating their life's work, all this holds merit. Writing has long been an accepted practice in therapy, one can write down their most inner thoughts, of sorrow or joy, chaste thoughts or perverse fantasy, and get feedback or just to vent, the blog can give us all a way to work through our individual issues and find solace in the minds of those who read this work. to be able to connect with like minds and feel" I am not the only one" there as those like me out there that have similar feelings, and we could reach out to each other, and either be our own salvation, or be together in damnation, either way we would not have to ever feel alone. The blog may be a personal journal, but remember that anyone, anyone can happen across your work and then check back and see everything, when you "Blog" do you realize that you are potentially opening your heart and souls out to millions of people?

I go to my library and I find what I am looking for and sometimes I do not, having to check back to see if it has been returned, but on the Internet, I can go to Google and look up an author, or go to the Google Book Search and find the actual book, scanned and loaded to be retrieved and read, or I could go online to Libraries around the world and find the book in digital form, instant data location, and instant gratification, the blog is the same, you can search, locate and collect any thought anytime and anywhere, this could be good, or it could be yet another way the spoken and written word can be lessened into just another blurb in a data vault, but I hope that this medium can be used for its altruistic and Nobel advantages.

The search for knowledge, to know all things is part of the human condition, the art of faith and belief that we, as living, breathing and sentient beings can archive greatness though the power of our minds is that which can be great and lead to greatness, or take greatness and level it to mediocrity. Lets consider education, one can register online at a college, take classes and graduate, never entering a classroom, some facilities, or companies offer educational classes for free, the opportunity to expand ones mind, in just a few short years has multiplied ten fold, yet it is still not taken full advantage of. I am personally trying to learn Russian, so I can share in my beloved wife's culture, and I find so many opportunities that I am stunned and do not know where to start, but I feel that is a good thing, because I can be stunned, I have not yet become prey to my indulgences and I have not yet become complacent to the "instant gratification" of the Internet.

I plan to work on a Knol, which is considered a unit of knowledge, or so it is said as to be by Google. My Knol is called "The History of Art, and it's effect on Modern Art", now I am an "Artist" but I do not consider myself an expert, but I will write as if I were, this is to serve 2 purposes,

1: to see if I can write a piece that effectively illustrates how Art from the past affect Art of today

2: to see if I am taken as an expert, without proof of accreditation.

I want someone to either tell me I am a genius or call me a quack.I want to see how much my thoughts matter. I would like to see if I can inspire a rational and logical appreciation for my contribution to the collective consciousness and knowledge of the vast universe within my omnipresent, omnipotent and all knowing computer.

"And what of Perversity" I state this because we all have our kinks, we all have something about us, that deep dark secret about ourselves that we don't want anyone else to know, whether it is the fact that we want to be "handled" a certain way by our lover or we have a desire that society deems unacceptable, we can find it on the Internet, blogging is also an opportunity to find this. I have found blogs on almost every subject dealing with sex and sexuality, either exemplifying it, admonishing it or rationalizing it, but in every case, the writer has no doubts about his or her opinion, nor do they ask for any leniency, we can find everything and anything in which to satisfy even the most base and carnal desire, professional or amateur, on YouTube or any of the other myriad of video sites, you can find it all. I do not say that this is a bad thing, if anything at all it is probably one of the best solutions to wipe away the taboo, the "dirtiness" of the individuals desire to obtain their personal pleasure or darkest gratification.

I may have strayed from my original concept, but that's exactly why I am following this derailed train of thought, the art of the "Blog" allows us, as a people to openly exchange all thoughts, good, bad or indifferent. I plan on making many entries, and many thoughts I have open to you, my reader, I claim you and take possession of you, you are mine to entertain and be praised or hated by, I want you to read my work, view my words and my art and let me know what you think, because I feel that you can think and can feel and that it is by inciting thought in you that I am doing what I am supposed to and need to be doing, making you think about life, in any way possible. I hope that you can enjoy my words, and take them to heart, and I hope you will comment and let me know what you need to know next.

I await your reply, my friends.

My Life

-A Love Poem for My Wife, Yekaterina-

Just a bit of fun

Before I go, I would like to entertain you

With a song I know

"As I lay with thee in mind"

"I often leave this world behind"

"And as I dream of finer things"

"A simple touch from You, it seems"

"Is all I need to make my life Complete"

"So My Life, My Wife"

Sing with me, the same love song

Ere I go, to sleep alone

And dream no more

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Nice Blog Site, has some interesting Architectural Information and style appreciation, I studied Architecture in college and I almost decided to be an Architect instead of an Artist, not to say that Architecture is not an Art, but for me it is too much math and not enough meat and potatoes for the soul. I have a very good friend that became an Architect, he makes good money but lost even more hair than me. I am going to watch this site more closely, so I can find out more of what they have to offer.


A Writer in a Living Novel - NY

Nice Article

A Writer in a Living Novel - NY

Love, Jobs and 401(k)s - NY

I find it interesting, as more things change the more they stay the same. I have always put my faith in the fact that man is flawed, and we look towards a "higher power" to guide us as times get tough, and then forget the assisting forces when we live in good times. I have taken time to remember the spirits that guide my life, and I hope they have not forgotten me when I suffer through the things in my life that trouble me. this article is just that, a notice to us to remember that out in the world, no matter how god or bad, the human condition to resort to a spiritual life is always present.

Read it, and have a good chuckle, or take the advise to heart. As for me, I do my own Tarot Readings.

Love, Jobs and 401(k)s -

Digg It


I am including a Digg it application. Digg tracks my post reads and will add it to the national registry / Internet Feed and will help get my work noticed, so Digg It and help my work grow.

Saturday, November 22, 2008






to be


to see and end

and again

and again

so many days

so few hours

so little time

so few moments

yet  a lifetime


in search of you



when again

is it time


may I see you


may I love you


and again

and again

and again

if not now




I live my life for you

I live my life with you

I am Obsessed with you

I love you

now, my love now

This is the when

the when is




oh vast and luxurious

my thoughts of you

pure are my intentions

with nervous fingers


with eager lips


my forever love

never have I known

the supple and tender joy

like I know with you

my heart burns and melts away

as time counts down the moments

until morning

when once more I will awaken

to the beauty that is you

of morning come slowly

and let this night continue

never to end

and if it must end, may it revisit us

over and over

so I may bathe once more in you kisses

and be sustained by


what is going on


I am a self diagnosed Manic Depressive, I have not actually been diagnosed by a physician or therapist, but I do go through moments where I am extremely happy to points where I wonder why I go on. I don't self medicate, I do not use drugs or drink excessively, nor do I abuse my wife or children. but I do self loath to the point of general hatred, not that I would ever hurt myself, nor have I ever thought of anything nasty, but I wonder why people would ever want to know me.

When I am very happy I feel I could move mountains and make time flow for me, a megalomaniac would be a novice compared to me, I feel that my wishes come true and that I have the power to control the cosmos.

when I am depressed, I feel the world as a whole has abandoned me, I go through the feelings I felt when my father died on Christmas Eve some 24 years ago, or when my mother passed only 12 years ago, and my world collapses, this feeling I have more often than I would like.

I paint to show my emotions in a way that I can share without words, I write to share thoughts that I cannot express physically, I speak when I want to make things worse.

I used to be an intelligent person, now I am not so sure.




the feeling that you

have lost, all that you

have worked for



Have I told you, I am a failure

I have lost all self respect

self esteem

self worth



If I have done something to offend you

then I am truly sorry

If I have done something to initiate

this feeling

that you must turn my insides out

and my heart to dust

then please, continue

exact your revenge


life is nothing



it gives one a chance to see how much better than you they can be

when you are down and reach to the sky for some glimmer

of hope and affection

the sun is blotted

and you are left cold and wanting

I am cold


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

One of My Video Endeavors


What to Say......












How often the obvious answers elude us all

A Poem to My Wife: Evermore



I look up

Into your eyes

As you lay there watching me

I see a young woman with a fire and thirst

A look of desire that holds me where I am

Wanting more

Giving all that you have

To me


Take my hand and walk with me

To the place in your heart

Deep and pounding

My want for you grows

Every day you wake next to me I know that I am thankful

But what of you?

Do I give you what you desire?


I tend to you

I attend to your garden

Placing what I have in hope that you desire to see it blossom

My love for you in all ways is what I have come to know and need

I trust in my feelings

I feel the need to be with you and deep inside you and your heart


I raise you up upon the altar of my affections

And I worship you and praise you

I am a fool for what I have done

I have committed myself to slavery, but Slave to you and your passions

Not the worst crime

The worst crime would be to waste you, to let you go unloved


The sweet waters of your pleasure enliven me

Fulfill me and feed me

I live off of you, in a symbiotic relation

Though sometimes you may feel like I am a parasite, draining you of life

That may be, but I cannot resist, you sustain me

I know why I love you...............because I do

And that is all I need to know


I may not be the best man, of the man of your dreams

But know this

You are my fantasy, my dream, my goddess

I see you in my mind, my life and in all things

The center of my soul, is you

I take you, and feel you beneath me, holding me

Sometimes it seems that you push me away, but only to let me fall deeper into you

To drink of you and live again

Your touch makes me gasp

Do I deserve you... do I have the right to be with you?

Yes, yes I say because you are mine

All that I have done before this was to ready me for you


Oh you, so young and innocent

My Lolita, my seductress

You have seduced me by not seducing

By not tricking or deceiving

There was no hunt

And to my prey I have fallen


I wish to devour one who is so sweet

You have lived many lifetimes

Yet you are as a precious gem, ever shining

A flower, single in the valley, not to be plucked

But gently deflowered

I would gather up those petals, only to place them back

I wish to proclaim to the world my victory in having you, yet share you with the world

As my singular treasure

A testament to my manhood


I do not own you; I merely am graced by you


Your heart begins a second beat

One for me

One for another

Which is stronger?

I would accept the weaker of the two, if I must

I was meant to be with you

I don’t know if you were meant

To be



But I willingly accept the terms of your love

My love has no terms

No expiration

But an eternity of forever wanting


To be

With you

To attend you

To serve you

To be your lord and master

To be chained to your feet

To look up and know paradise

And see heaven in your eyes

Paradise in your soul

To hold you in my arms


A Poem: For My Friends

For my friends

I’m sorry

For all the things I’ve done


And put you through

I never meant to do it


I was on a roll,

I went with it

But, remember

I warned you

How, well…

I said hello

I introduced myself and you failed to escape

Anyway, slap yourself on the wrist

I warned you and you did not heed the notice

And now you are stuck with me and my loyalty

You have none to blame

But yourself

Don’t blame me

Poetry as I write it.

I believe it is common to consider that poetry must rhyme or be in verse, for me I conceive that poetry is an inner expression and does not have to be “historically” set in specific stance. I would like to present to you some of my views in an introspective way, the world as seen through my eyes and felt through my heart. I would not expect everyone to gain a sense of awe or wonder by my words, but if you take the time to look at the way it is composed, you may find it enlightening.

I think too much has been placed on writers, that poetry or works on literature should be presented in a certain way. When we stepped out of the darkness and began to communicate, we had to develop from grunts and gestured movement to complex languages. The human race has grown into many cultures with many forms of independent expression; however the desire for beauty and culture has similar traits in all languages. It is through desire to be close to enlightenment that we write our thoughts down, this is the reason that we take the time to express our inner feelings on paper, for the future generations to see our lives truly unfettered.


Joseph Timmons, would be author

Infinite Ocean of Light and Love


Another very interesting person, My friend Dan, whom is the writer of Infinite Ocean of Light and Love, whom I met at a local book club meeting, and hope to get to know better.

Infinite Ocean of Light and Love

A Stitching Time

This is my wife's blog, I think she is a great writer, but she does not believe me.

A Stitching Time

How is this going to work?


Ok, I am now using a "Blogging" Program so it should be better as far as formatting, I hope so. I feel that a blog is supposed to show you the inner workings of the mind, or in my case... the inner workings of an Insane Asylum, I also plan on posting photos and my written works, so check back often to have a laugh.

I have always thought that I was a little crazy, but in the words of my favorite Star Trek Character

" In an Insane world, it is the sane man that often appears Insane"

So what is my excuse...........

I will also post from blobs that I read, so you can see what I like

What the hell

whenever i try to organize this blog to where things look cool, it flips out on me, oh well, guess it's just how it goes

Some of my recent work... Splat!

I have recently done some pieces that are now on exhibit at a local gallery here in Santa Maria,, I have been here since 1990 and I still have problems with this concept... anyway, I have some art to show you. These are 3 of the pieces I have done and I would like your input, I am presently working on some more but they are no where ready to show you.
I find that my best work, as far as paintings are very similar to the works of Jackson Pollock, I like the Raw energy and the uncontrolable war the paint hits the canvas, I would like to think that I have a style, but maybe not

Thursday, August 28, 2008

As you can see....

As you can see, I have allot going on, My Job, 5 Kids and my various Art based endeavors, now this, my own personal blog about me, just me, however I have put so much into my other blogs, sites and so on... I don't know how much is left for me to write about. so with that being said. I will be posting to this blog all of my stuff that has nothing to do with anything but me and my personal life. so be warned, will log in again tomorrow...
P.S... Buy stuff from my shops, I have kids to feed and there is a whole bunch of crap that you need there.

Above is a photo Me when I was 5 years old, I used to be a cute darling child, what the hell happened...
Look at me now...
Man do I look Bitter and Grumpy